Dani's only outside allies, Darren and Andy are sorely lacking in their support. Darren, her boyfriend of nearly five years, thinks it's a joke for her to be there. And Andy, Lexi's drug dealing boyfriend and Dani's best friend, is a total wreck.
Danielle thinks that she can cruise through her stint in rehab the same way she did in her normal life. But with all eyes on her, she can't exactly let go of the idea that maybe... there is something really wrong with her.
Author's Note: This is going to be an episodic story. Meaning that there will be more posts after this one. I'm not sure how long it's going to be; maybe not very... I'm really not sure.
Warning: This story contains vulgar language and themes.
Soundtrack: The title of this story comes from the Elliott Smith song Baby Britain and I feel like his style of music goes really well with the theme. And not just because he was a suicidal drug addict. Also, there's a couple other songs that I like.
Elliott Smith - Pitseleh
Elliott Smith - Baby Britain
Tokyo Police Club - Listen to the Math
As Cities Burn - Empire
“Can you tell me why you’re here, Danielle?”
“Shouldn’t you know why I’m here?”
“Yes, but I wonder if you know.”
“Okay sure, I’m here because Lexi overdosed and since Lexi’s my best friend in the whole world, my parents think I’ll do the same thing. But I’m not like Lexi.”
“Hmm. Well can you tell me about the night Lexi died?”
“We had just taken a bunch of E before we headed to a party.”
“We… who’s we?”
“Me, Darren, Andy, Lexi. We’re always together. Uh, we WERE always together. Darren and Andy are brothers. Andy’s older. They’ve lived next door to me all my life.”
“And Darren’s…”
“My boyfriend. Since we were thirteen.”
“Five years? You’ve been together five years?”
“I thought you wanted to know about Lexi. Not Darren.”
“Sorry, go ahead.”
“We’d taken some E before we went out. Andy always has the best of everything. I was rolling pretty good, totally not paying attention to what the fuck Lexi was doing. Sometimes I just ignored her when she got going. She was always eating something or blowing or whatever. I love her and all but she just took the drug thing a little too far.”
“And you don’t?”
“Fuck no. Lexi was an addict.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a little callous about it?”
“No.”
“Okay. Keep going.”
“I will if you just let me talk.”
“I’m sorry. Continue.”
“Well, Andy came up to me at the party we’d stopped by and he said he couldn’t find Lexi. Big deal, I thought. I wanted to just dance and shit. Have fun, you know? So I said I’d find her, but I didn’t go right away. Now that I think about it, if Andy was worried… I should have realized there was really a problem. Andy is normally sort of laid back. Real chill. Calm. And I guess, he knew what she’d been doing.”
“You mean, he knew what drugs she was taking?”
“Yeah, of course. We got them from him. Or through him. From someone Andy knew.”
“What sorts of drugs was Lexi taking?”
“At first? We smoked a lot of weed. But that was like freshman year in high school. And it just progresses. You know?”
“I see.”
“If you meant what drugs she was on that night, I can only take a guess. Ecstasy, for sure. And from what Andy assumed, heroin. “
“You mean Andy didn’t give her the heroin.”
“Oh fuck no. Andy won’t mess with that shit.”
“I thought you said you guys got it from him.”
“Not fucking heroin. Andy and Darren’s Dad is a total junkie for the stuff. It’s a rough subject for them.”
“So why was Lexi using heroin?”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know?”
“You said she was your best friend. Shouldn’t you have known?”
How’s this for a journal entry?
The food is disgusting. Horrendous. Positively awful. How can they legally serve this? They can’t. I cannot take this.
And the beds, I can’t even begin to explain the uncomfort that comes with sleeping here. I hate this. I hate this.
I sat in a group session for the first time yesterday and stared silently. The rest of the crazies stared right back at me. I am an outsider looking into their sad little world. I do not belong among these junkies.
They tell their fucking sob stories. Oh blahblahblah, my dad raped me when I was young. Yadda yadda yadda, so I used meth for the first time. And everything was better. Until I was addicted.
These fucking people. Dear God, who do they think they are? Who cares if you spend all your time and money on buying crank? If that’s what you want to be doing then do it dammit! No one should stop you from living your life. And honestly, that’s what my parents are doing. They are preventing me from living. They think they’re preventing me from dying. But it’s Lexi who… yeah.
Whatever. I figure if I just talk with the Doctor and I say how I’m not really that into drugs… just recreationally… They’ll have no choice but to release me, you know? I don’t have any problems with them like Lex did. I’m not shooting up or any of that crazy stuff. Darren and Andy would flip if they knew I did heroin or some shit like that. If Andy had known that Lexi was doing that sort of thing, she’d have been toast. He’d have given her the riot act. Fuck, I probably would have told her it wasn’t the best idea. I wouldn’t have told her to stop. Like I said, just live your damn life how you want to. Moderation is only a key.
Oh man, I want a cheeseburger. Like some fucking McDonald’s shit. I straight up refuse to eat the wretched seal-a-meal stuff they give us. I think that maybe they’ll notice I’m shoving it onto my roommate’s plate eventually. But if I can get away with it, I will.
Speaking of my roommate, she’s hovering now. My roommate’s name is Sandra. I know she’s trying to get a glimpse of what I’m writing. She’s kind of weird. Like I think she took a few too many hits of acid or something because her brain seems a little fried. Her hair is gross. I fucking hope mine doesn’t look that way. But it might, I’ve got no clue… the mirrors in the bathroom are actually just sheets of really shiny metal. I can’t even see anything in them. So what if other people will try to cut their wrists with that shit… I won’t. Give me a mirror.
Also, while you’re at it… Give me a motherfucking joint. I need to chill the fuck out. I’m so strung out at this point that I’d eat seeds just to get a buzz. I don’t mean strung out like drug addled but like… stressed and debilitated. Everyone here is so uptight. Maybe THEY need the pot. Maybe we could all just toke and be done with this whole mess.
Sandra is still hovering and it is freaking me out. She keeps trying to talk to me. And I’m so not down with that. I just do not care about her fucking sad story. And that’s probably what she wants to talk about. Drugs. Sex. Whatever it is she’s addicted to. God, that’s another thing I hate about this place. All the fucking addiction talk. I don’t think there is such a thing as addiction. I think it’s just a mental mind place. Or whatever.
Maybe if I wig her out she’ll go away. Maybe I could like… I don’t know… start screaming in French or some shit.
She’s leaving. She said she’ll be in the lounge if I want to go hang out. I don’t. I do not do not do not want to HANG OUT with anyone here. I just want to be with Darren, Andy and Lexi again. Fuck fuck fuck. I can’t do that. Not ever. Not ever ever.
I’d definitely settle for just Darren. I miss him. As much as I complained about him before this… as much as I fought with him… he’s been my rock for years. God, I just want to hug my boy again. I want to lie in his bed, listening to Daft Punk and just talking. I want to hear his smoky words. Oh Darren, come rescue me. Darren Darren Darren. Darren and Dani. Dani and Darren.
I worry about Andy. What’s he doing? Is he okay? We never got to talk after the funeral. My evil parents whisked me away. Forced me here. I couldn’t take care of my boys like I should have been doing. I couldn’t tell Andy that Lexi wouldn’t want him to flip out. I can’t hug Darren.
I can’t hug Lexi.
I can’t even see her.
I can’t talk to her.
Oh god.
I’ll never talk to Alexa Lynn Russell ever again.
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