Summary: Danielle's best friend in the whole world, Lexi, is dead. And not just an unfortunate accident sort of dead. The overdosed sort of dead. The kind of dead that has no redemption. Lexi is dead and everyone thinks Dani is next. They think this because Dani is prone to the same sort of rampant drug use that Lexi fell victim to. In a desperate attempt to save Dani from the same fate as Lexi, she is sent to a rehabilitation center.
Dani's only outside allies, Darren and Andy are sorely lacking in their support. Darren, her boyfriend of nearly five years, thinks it's a joke for her to be there. And Andy, Lexi's drug dealing boyfriend and Dani's best friend, is a total wreck.
Danielle thinks that she can cruise through her stint in rehab the same way she did in her normal life. But with all eyes on her, she can't exactly let go of the idea that maybe... there is something really wrong with her.
Author's Note: This is going to be an episodic story. Meaning that there will be more posts after this one. I'm not sure how long it's going to be; maybe not very... I'm really not sure.
Warning: This story contains vulgar language and themes.
Soundtrack: The title of this story comes from the Elliott Smith song Baby Britain and I feel like his style of music goes really well with the theme. And not just because he was a suicidal drug addict. Also, there's a couple other songs that I like.
Elliott Smith - Pitseleh
Elliott Smith - Baby Britain
Tokyo Police Club - Listen to the Math
As Cities Burn - Empire
Part 2
Part 3
“Danielle, what happened is very serious and I’d like to talk to you seriously about it.”
“Okay.”
“I would appreciate your cooperation with this.”
“I said okay.”
“You’re in very serious trouble.”
“I know.”
“Bringing narcotics into this Center doesn’t only in danger your recovery but also the recovery of all the other people here. It was very selfish and very foolish.”
“I know.”
“But from reading your journal, I sense a certain amount of remorse for what happened. Or at the very least a little regret.”
“Yeah… maybe.”
“No, Danielle, you can’t dodge these questions. I need to know if this has affected you at all. Your apathy will not cut it in this situation. It is now in my hands whether the minute you step out of this office you have to pack up and leave or not. We have a decision to make here.”
“What decision?”
“Whether you stay or go.”
“I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“You keep saying that, but I find that hard to believe.”
“This is where I’m supposed to be.”
“So you want to stay?”
“I think so.”
“Danielle, the most important factor in this decision is whether you want to get clean.”
“I—“
“But for you to want to get better… you have to realize that there is a problem.”
“I know there’s a problem.”
“And what is it?”
“I… I have no sense of control at all. I don’t know what I want. Or what’s good for me.”
“Alright. There we go. This whole time we’ve been talking, that’s all I’ve wanted to know.”
“But we’ve spent an awful lot of time talking about other things.”
“That’s because it’s what you have chosen to talk about. Danielle… I think it’s really important that you stay here. The path you were on when Alexa died…”
“Lexi. And Dani. No one ever called us by our real names.”
“The path you were on when Lexi died… was the same as hers. Nothing good ever comes from drug use, Dani. And I’m sorry to say this but it took her death for you to see that. You can’t possibly want to end up like her.”
“I don’t. I want to live.”
“Good. Then do it.”
------
They want me to talk in group. Expect me to talk. Our group leader keeps looking at me, waiting. Ridiculous. I do not want to talk to eight strangers. It’s bad enough talking to one stranger. (Sorry Doc.)
Uh oh. That creep is coming over. Oh no. Get away. Get away.
“Hey.” He greets me like he totally didn’t harass me last time we talked. I also think he may be checking me out. Fuck. Ew. Gross. “You don’t say much in group.”
“Nope.” I’m telling myself to keep it simple.
“Are you ever going to talk in group?”
“No, never.” Just go away.
“I’m Eric.” He introduces himself like a total tool. I’m not even looking up from my writing. It’s a waste of my time. He’s wasting his time if he thinks I want to be friendly. I am not friendly. I don’t want any friends from here. I just want my friends.
“I know.”
“So you keep tabs on me?”
“Hardly.” I say it and I’m just getting fucking pissed off at this dude. Why is he talking to me? Why doesn’t he go away? Can’t he see that I’m not interested?
“Your name is Danielle, right?” He asks.
“Dani.” I automatically say. I totally didn’t want to say that. But it’s like a reflex. Dani not Danielle. Whatever whatever.
“Okay, Dani then.” He says and for just an instant I look up at him. I think about how he’s cute but a total creep. He is still reminding me of Andy and I just now remember that he’s been missing. Maybe he’s come back. Hopefully. I’ll call him. I don’t know his cell number. I just want to talk to levelheaded Andy. I want to talk to someone who can tell me that I’m not crazy for wanting to stay here. Darren thinks it’s ridiculous. Darren. Darren. Andy. Andy. Eric. Eric is still staring at me. Waiting for me to talk. I don’t want to talk. Goddamnit, I will be silent if I want to be silent.
“Will you please leave me alone?” It’s difficult to say this after I’d just convinced myself that I wanted to be quiet from here on out.
“Do you really want that?” He asks me and I want to punch him. I don’t know what I want. If I did, all this wouldn’t be a problem.
“I’m not sure what you want from me, but whatever it is… you aren’t going to get it.” Why in the world am I letting his presence get to me? Why why why why? Everything is getting to me.
“Have you thought that maybe I don’t want anything from you?” Eric says and he thinks he is sly as fuck. Whatever though. He’s nothing.
“If you didn’t want anything from me, you wouldn’t look at me like I’m a piece of meat that you can just sink your teeth into.” Where am I getting these words? I don’t talk to people like him. I don’t even talk.
He seems to take what I said way too hard. His face sinks and he is looking crushed. How the fuck was that offensive at all. “Sorry.” He says. I’m fucking shocked too. Why is he apologizing? He looked like he had thicker skin than that. What a fucking pansy. He walks away and I’ve never been so relieved. Now I can sink back into the walls. I can hide. Why does he see me when no one else does? He is so obviously interested in me it hurts. Does he think he’s subtle? Probably not. He’s shameless in the way that Lexi was shameless. She did what she wanted and who she wanted and how she wanted. That’s courageous I think. I could never be that way. Never so bold. Never so bright.
My skin is absolutely crawling and my head permanently feels like it’s getting ready to burst. This place is getting me down. I’m feeling like the walls are closing in. Especially when I try to sleep. But I don’t sleep. I stay awake until my eyes burn. I’m afraid of sleeping. But maybe if I could sleep I would wake up back in my real life. Back with Lexi and Andy and Darren. This place isn’t real. This is a dream. I’m dreaming. Or maybe I’m the dream?
